mothering

while watching abby climb on these rocks, i couldn't help but think this is a visual image of my journey as a mother - feelings of fear and joy at the exact same time.  how does that work?!?  i talk a good game - posting stuff like letting my kid play with knives, but at the end of the day, i am constantly questioning. constantly judging and always wanting to do more.  

it was thrilling that abby wanted to climb by herself.  i remember climbing these same rocks as a little girl.  wearing out the back of my bathing suit so fast.  the fact that abby wanted to try this by herself was oddly surprising.  slowly and deliberately.  calculated.  she made her way up and down.  up and down.  

and yet despite her cautiousness, my heart was in my throat.  you can do it little girl.  go. do an arabesque  at the top to celebrate your victory.  and in the same breath - be careful.  slow down.  please don't fall.  it will hurt.  your knees and my heart.

and so the dance of mothering continues.  joy and fear.  frustration and patience.  freedom and boundaries.  confidence and doubt.

never has a job required so much of my love, so much of my energy, so much sacrifice, so much creativity.  and when my girl makes it to the top of the rock and JUMPS into the water unafraid and filled with excitement,  for a moment i let go.  of the fear.  of the doubt.  and i am unafraid and filled with  that same excitement.

i am learning and growing right alongside this brave little girl.